A sunflower has always been my favorite flower. There is something so inspiring about the simplicity of its beauty. I love the way the chipper, yellow petals always seem to reach and tilt itself out of shape in order to find the sun. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a field full of sunflowers all tilted in the same direction, and for some reason, Sicily is full of them.
My partner (Giovanni) and I had been traveling through Sicily for the last two weeks and we were just reaching the southern part of Italy and were heading towards the Amalfi Coast. As we were driving, I couldn’t help but notice that over the last two weeks, the sunflower fields had started to wilt, their happy, yellow petals had turned into black, ominous petals and they no longer were facing the sun. Instead, they were drooping towards the earth. Inevitably, they had received too much sun and not enough rain.
I found it ironic in a way, at the beginning of the trip, the vibes between Giovanni and I were high: we were in love, we were taking a dream vacation, and had started discussing the possibilities of moving in with each other. Life felt exciting, like we were the sunflowers, aiming to try tilt to find the sun next to each other. As the trip continued, we began to fight over little and big things, but never fully (or perhaps, honestly) stating what we really wanted, needed, and felt. In a way, I think our past baggage had taught us that bringing up the hard conversations would only lead to bigger fights. I also felt that keeping everything bottled inside was leading to a lot of resentment on both sides. I resented the fact I constantly had to fight for what I deserved, and he resented he constantly had to give up what he wanted in order to appease me. It felt like we too were starting to wilt, just like the sunflowers that were surrounding us.
You see, a flower needs three basic things in order to survive: dirt (a strong foundation), sun, and water. In my opinion, a relationship is much of the same. We all need a strong foundation to have happy and healthy relationships. We shouldn’t rush into marriages or having babies. We all know we need to create a solid foundation of trust, love, safety, and respect in order to survive what it takes to have a union or a family. This can only be accomplished through one thing in my opinion: time. It is all the little moments in a relationship: the kept promises, the small kisses, the check-ins, the late night back rubs, the making of food when one is tired, or the holding of your partners hair as they vomit into the toilet when sick (some pretty, some not so pretty). It is all these small things we do for each other, this is what adds deposits into our “dirt.” It is often the small things that build a relationship and the small things that break it.
Time to build a solid foundation, we had that down. We had a plan to slowly move our lives together. Giovanni was from Italy and I was from America, so we made a plan that I would slowly move my things over to live in his country. Three months together, three months apart. Every time I went to Italy, I left things behind with him. This gave us time to work at our relationship and time apart to work on ourselves (and personally I really appreciated the balance). I had known from my previous relationship, for any relationship to work over time you need to be a unit but also two, separate and autonomous individuals. This slow back and forth from America to Italy seemed like a firm way to create that base.
We had the sun, happiness was not something that was lacking between us. When Giovanni and I were together, it felt like we were kids again, like the world was our playground. Have you ever just played a silly game like you did as a kid: ping-pong, bowling, bike riding, or just took a dance class? We did these things often, and usually we were very competitive about it, which made it even more fun. We played paddle board on the beach for hours during our time in Sicily, each time seeing if we could keep the ball up longer than the time before. We laughed a lot, we had the same twisted sense of humor. Often, we made fun of each other, even at inopportune times, like sex. Which again, made it (somehow) more fun. One night I wore a pink wig for Carnival, which he quickly stole and turned it around for a local Cosplay event we went to later in the year. We liked to have fun, and for the most part, we cared very little what the people around us thought about the fun we liked to have. We also liked to relax when the time called for it, and that was something Giovanni did very little of. I would like to think I helped him accomplish this more, as I am quite a pro at it—ay, dolce far niente (insert Italian hand gesture here).
It was the rain that we were lacking. And since this is my analogy, and I am a water sign (Pisces), the rain here will be tough conversations. If you study astrology or the tarot, you know water is a representation of the emotional world and tough conversations can be very emotional occurrences. This also means you need to be in touch with your emotions as well as being able to feel and describe them. This is actually a very tough thing to do, and something I think most adults need to work on, especially those who have come from trauma. The dualistic part about life is this though: you cannot have a thriving relationship without tough conversations, you cannot have a good relationship without something bad happening during it, you cannot make a unit stronger without first addressing where there is also weakness. Get it? One has to trudge through the mud to find the lotus. This is a key part of a relationship, and one that is often not discussed enough.
In Amalfi, we wilted. It is as simple as that. We had too much sun, too much play, too much fun, and too much good, without the tough. We hadn’t let it rain properly in days, weeks maybe. We kept grazing over the tough conversations or not even really asking the tough questions, we would just let it slide. We kept going with the flow, versus stopping to really talk about what we needed. And most importantly, maybe we were both scared to show up as our authentic selves. It can be scary to let the whole you be seen: the light and the dark, the yin and the yang. Yet, that is what real love and real commitment requires. Maybe some of the things you need to talk about are ugly, your shadow side, the skeletons in the closet, the things we only admit to our therapists. Maybe all humans also have that side though, so maybe that’s what we have to ease into. It’s ok to be ugly at times. It is ok to be seen. It is ok to be heard. I know I ease into it more and more each year.
Do I think you can revive a wilting sunflower? No. Once it’s dead, the more water you throw at it will just kill it further. Trust me. We tried. What I also know is all things turn back to dust, to dirt. And, in time, new plants can grow from the fresh soil. You just need three elements to make it work: a strong foundation, laughter and play, and tough conversations. That is what I hope 2024 brings for me, all three elements- and whichever way that flower grows and blooms, I’m ready for it. I am just gonna ask and step aside and let the universe provide.
**All character names and personal details have been changed in order to keep the privacy of my family & friends safe.
Loved it 😊